He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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