Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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