I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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