Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
