Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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