You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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