I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
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