Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
