im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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