it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
