I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
