and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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