Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
