Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
