So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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