We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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