i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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