remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
