I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
