if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
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don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
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This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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