it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
