Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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