i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
