I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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