I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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