Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
