We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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