I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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