How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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