At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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