Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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