the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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