Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
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Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
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So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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