____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
