someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
