I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
