and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
