next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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