There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When are your genitals available?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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