Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
