Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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