Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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