Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
