OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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