I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
