Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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