Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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