everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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