Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
