I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
