Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
