What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
