My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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