I will die if light touches me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
