you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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