The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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