First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
