Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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