i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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